And yes, is a Monday. But definitely not monday blues. Not feeling very good.

When things appear to be good initally , only means to me that storm is brewing soon.

Do you know i really find pretendence is ultimately disgusting to me. or rather hideous.

I really hope at this point of time i can rip off your heart to see whats in there ...

Sick of this. Whenever i wanna enjoy, have fun and be happy with my company.

U are always hovering around to destroy that slightest happiness of mine.

I endure not because i am afriad, is because Im giving you some face to back off.

U spoil my appetite for everything. Even when i wish to improve the r/s with others just temporaray put me off too.

U just make me feel so sick.

updates updates..

finally got what i have been yearning for..
haha don bother to guess. is nth expensive. juz a LC le pilage - bilberry.
why i want it so much? hmm bcoz the more hb don like the more i wan and i like. -LMAO-

lately have been goin quite close with my bunch of mommies from forum.
-for gatherings, for msn mass chats, for the kiddos' trial classes-
but aniway, i love them , they are so nice to hang out with.

i think im neglecting my other friends. hope they wont mind me.
coz im a sahm timings quite erratic for them..

especially after tristan is around, my weekends is never for myself alone.
have to divide my time for hb's family, my family and what abt the friends............ SIGH.

time is always not enuff !!!

studies
finally my quizzes part 1 is over. now awaiting for my results. but for the statistics is so tough lor. i seriously donno what is tt lecturer teaching.

CAN PSB ACADEMY STOP GIVING GREENHORN LECTURERS TO US?
sorry not that im mean, but pls i pay to study, don give me these lecturers. if pass our exams stillok. if fail we still have to pay more to retest . so sick. this is the 2nd time i see a new and unable to explain well lecturers in this diploma course liao. somemore both are related to maths. (statistics and quantitative skills)

as for both the projects, sad to say, no progress at all. i strongly feel that this time will be same as the previous. only rushing to produce the end product at the very last minute (near the dateline).
ok i will try to make sure i do my part real soon. probably over this weekend or maybe after friday 10pm when i got home from my dinner :)

Tristan driving me nuts these days. super demanding and sticky to me. sometimes i juz feel as if i cant breathe.

I really yearn for a breakaway trip. i really need someone to help me with tristan. at this point of time, i really wish tristan is big boy now.

ok to my dreamz now

Backies~~

got a chance to blog again.. after my lil darling is born..

still trying to adjust to the USA time zone for him man..

Remember that first night after discharged is really a challenge for me both mentally and physically..

didnt get to Mass SMS all my pals.. cause have been receiving visitors non stop after i delivered.
Can imagine from 02nd March i only slept for 2 hours becoz contractions kept me awake and until 03rd March 10pm plus i only slept like 30 mins and start having visitors liaos.. +_+

and the Sony Ericsson phone is not gd.. after selecting many names then I was prompted tt cant send out coz the list is too long. diaos... So eventually i only managed to send out to name from A - D if i remember correctly.

So eventually i used Facebook as a medium to inform friends about the arrival of my lil prince. =)

After delivered to him , i have plenty of thoughts to myself... most of them are makin me emotional. Sigh. now, can only hope he will be the main source of my happiness..

My Greatest Experience - Birthing

Finally, baby and i made it together on 03.03.2009 - Tuesday 12:52pm!
:) Natural without Epidural !!!

I was transferred to Waiting ward @ 8am that morning. Previously i spent the night away in normal ward.

Dr Ang did VE on me again but was still 2cm - 3cm, same as the previous check. Not much difference.

Cleared my bowels, get changed to operating robe and was put on drip and wait..

Slowly, contractions came more frequently and more intensify but still bearable.

Contractions then hit me off strongly at the very last 1 hour and i started going goo goo gaa gaa..
Last check was only 5cm by a very nice nurse.. Then i asked for Laughing Gas.
Still with that, im goo goo gaa gaa away and getting louder and louder tho i tried not to.. I was also pushing uncontrollably when contractions came. The feelings is just like want to POO POO very much.

The Nice nurse popped by and checked on me and my cervix was fully dilated.
She faster called out the others and pushed me into the labour ward at her fastest speed and reminded me not to push anymore. To hold my breathe..

The moment i was pushed into the labour ward, within 5mins, my darling has arrived to this world. Luckily Dr Ang was just in next room if im not wrong.. PHEW!
The process is too fast until i got a shock when baby is out and placed immediately on my tummy.

Initially he was very greyish in color, as he stays on my tummy,i tried to touch him to comfort him.. and his skin colour slowly turned to slight pinkish. How Touching is that moment!

Praise the Lord, Thank God for being there for us. Keeping us safe..

Bad Day @ home

i sprained my left feet few hours back. ouch now still slight limping ..

felt so helpess just now cause' was all alone at home. .

even if he's at home i got to be independent. . =(

im going out soon in awhile's time after i get ready to go. .

meeting CMT . . we are gg to B W today. .

mr ho told me he having sore throat so not going with us. .

sore throat cant go out? i also having sore throat since 2 nights back till now..

yesterday i asked if he wanna come with me coz i will be taking mrt back alone.

he told me i will be fine taking train back alone , will definitely get a seat offer by people.

while for him, if he comes with me to town he will definitely got no seat.

if i really no seat in train then ask me to alight and take a cab back. . [*how sweet*]

like HELLO.. im heavily pregnant. going to due anytime from now.

seriously one woman cant rely 100% on the guy besides her. .

I GOTTA BE STRONG

5 years anniversary

I wonder... do you ever remember what day is it today...

Rem? 324? 030204.. now is 030209 already.

so fast. 5 years just passed like that.

but i still don't think i know you enough.

no words can describe my feelins now.

Nuts about me

Seriously im going nuts. Don't ask me why as i don't how to express myself.

I can only cry all my stupid emotions out.. but i should have known letting myself down in front of you will only exert more irrelevant stress on you.

Im so sorry. Don't wish that to happen but I myself feel helpless and i seriously don't know who to approach.

So what after confiding in 1 person what can the listening friend do to help me?

Anyway, my appetite is good despite of my emotions raving inside me.

Had roast duck drumstick + charsiew rice at 430pm and im now seriously hungry!

With such a appetite im sure i can eat up a billionaire' fortune.

To think i still can joke at this moment tho' im not feeling gd somewhere ..

I must be a Super Siao Char bO. (crazy woman)

What should i do?

im so stressed!!!

how are we going to overcome this ultimate problem???

Sigh.. this matter is driving me to the end already.

no preparation? no planning? what is the reasons man that causes us to end up this way..

i really don't feel like taking up the solution u've given me.

is there any other solutions???

what should i do...

Im crazy

Why whenever i wanna be nicer to you i cant ?

Sorry.. Don't know why i behaved like that just now.

Maybe im inferior now especially at this stage?

I always try to make myself optimistic by telling myself how beautiful i am to be pregnant with my boy now.

but still, hormones are playing tricks on me sometimes. I don't like to lose control over myself and rant at you too.

it hurts me too when im behaving so fierce towards you.. =(

but the words u used just now really pricks my heart leh.

just for ROAR

im hungry. had fish meat steamboat for dinner. but i am hungry again.

Help lar.. im badly craving for my Dou Jiang You Tiao @ geylang.

=( at least very moment, im missing my dad.

how i wish he will call me the very next minute telling me he is around here.

and i can hop in his car and go all the way to geylang to eat my DJYT.

i miss those days living at tampines..

unfathomable

sometimes i just feel that i dont know what i want or even understand myself.

i may be satisfied with certain things, look jovial on the exterior

but yet im not feeling the joy deep inside me.

i should be glad that someone is sweet enough to be so giving in to me at times.

but thats not entirely what i want..

perhaps..

is all those bit and pieces of stuffs he did or said.

i dont need physical companion..

i want our hearts and souls and minds to be interlocked with each other.

Guess is all my greediness.

Hatred

i realised im having a little too bit of hatred in me.

when we have a problem we shd confront our problems was what i learnt that sunday thru pastor gerald.

then my heart was telling me that my problem is i bear hatred.

who do i hate?

i hate my dad's family members. -lols- not my siblings of cause'

is his mom, and siblings. but from that day onwards, i remind myself not to hate them anymore longer. as they are also God's children..

deepest from my heart, im learning to let go all past and forgive them and to love them.

i guess is hard but im willing to try and try over again and again.

until the day i succeed.

13 Dec 08

13 Dec 08 - Saturday

thought that i wont be going anywhere.

then adrian called me asking me out for lunchie ard 3pm plus. lol

mingfei wan eat dim sum so i recommended her Yan Palace at Hong Lim.

by the time we reached there. heh already closed for rest liaos.

the dim sum there is nice. i loves it. but only until 215pm.

will try our luck again the next time. =)

adrian drove us to smith street. and went to tis small cafe where

serves dim sum. pretty nice tho. and not very expensive i guess.

after our super late lunch, i dragged them to go up the hawker with me.

i went in searching for my ER GU DESSERTS.

i was so not up to date u see. i didnt noe the renovation was completed.

LOLS. Alas, i found my fave dessert stall patronise since young.

and started sipping my Black Sesame Paste.

[hope my bb hair will be as black as black sesame.]

adrian kept saying im a pig.

alright lar. i merely have a long list of food to devour on mah.

i dont eat everything at one go.. -crazy old man-

after which we left chinatown. otw at seletar picked bb up.

and we returned to our kampung again..

coz at night they got programmes which is not suitable for us.

hahas..they gg BQ ktv pub lar. with sammi and finn na na.

sometimes i really envy sammi. coz yiwei will go to sucha places w her.

not like my bb. he wont bother to accompany me to nitespots.

he rather i go alone. -sigh-

had a bad day

2days back i got so agitated by his reactions.
somehow got very pissed off..
i was hoping the best for baby and for two of us.
but he juz thinks i did it all for myself.
so im juz so selfish in his eyes..
im utterly disappointed by his level of understanding of me.
his words pierced me thru my heart again.
he told me he rather work everyday when im always hoping for his off day..
is really very hurtful. most of the times, when he's at work im all alone @home.
how i longed for his return for his companion everyday.
but now den i realised is all my foolish side of thinking.
when he was complaning of monetary matters, im equally not feeling great.
i know he is suffering. but aint im not suffering it too?
i feel so helpless. i can only pray.
i tried all my best to control my emotions not to let it take over me.
but i just lost my cool.. i hate it when i lost my cool.
juz behaving like a small gal throwing tempers.
i regretted of all my foolish actions.
im sorry towards baby for crying endlessly. think he can feel mommy is sad..
but i really cant help it for i juz couldnt ctrl myself already.
i tried to walk out of his life but i realised im so used to rely on him.
and i didnt want to coz i dont want to worry my parents..
am i useless?
i couldnt return to the single life of mine.
coz im no longer alone.
baby is with me as well.
is everything a wrong from the start?
now i guess i can only look upon the future, not the past anymore.
i pray hard.
God please bring me to right path of life.. i dont wanna be misled again.
I really wish i can do the right things at the right time now.

over the week..

juz tot of doin this when i came across some of my past photos..
am i being emotional or whaT?
juz hope that changes wont be too much as time goes by..



1st nov 08
met chan n benson to bugis..
had sakae sushi for late lunch again.
bought a big ticket item ytd. heh heh
my lovely gucci shades..
will be collecting it somewhere this coming wk with them again.



went bk tamp for dinner. poor me,blame on comin hme late.
no roast duck drumstick for me to savour..
only left abalone soup specially reserved by mommy..
im missing tt roastduck like what ok..
after dnr, i carried megan for the very first time..
with my sister beside me i got more courage to carry megan the little princess.



got super emo later in e night, and went back wdls..
rched hme oso still feeling emo. whats wrong with me???

31 oct 08
went bk tamp earli in the mornin all by myself.
had breakfast @ 419 with dad n mommy.
wanton mee there is yummy~
accompany them to shop n save to get pig's kidneys and others for sil's daily meals.
it stinks like hell ok.. i almost throw up at the store there..
but what i suggest is if some1 prepared tt for ur meals.
better eat it up no matter how much u detest pork..
coz is not cheap, n nid alot of work..
saw ESTher tan at tamp CC when she was on her way out to wrk.
miss her so much. got so many things to talk to her. :)
after dinner, went TM to meet chan. had ajisen spicy miso ramen. haha.
chat for quite awhile n went back tamp ..
really miss those days when we were always hanging out tgt..
thos stayin at woodlands is not tt bad. but of coz i still miss tampines's days..
is that why im emo?

Fxxk up

wtf. what is the reasons of not allowing me getting what i want?
becoz his dad will angry..
come'on lar. Angry for WAD FxxK? juz tt i prefer to go back to do..
everynight, what if my hb cant slp well..
he will have lesser slp at nights. and need to travel tt fxxking far to work. fxxking brain cant think isit? in the end who suffer.
at my place, there is maid to help. no nid her to help me clean my hse lar.
clean for Fxxk. no nid her to tire herself out. coz maid can wash lil's things.
fxxking no brains to think lar. knns.
moreover, who is the fxxkin one going to cook for me. she dont even know how to cook!
wth. who noes my taste better other dan my own mom.
she wants me to tio depressions siboh. knns. asking someone to cook for me instead.
fxxk off lar.why cant they juz let us do wad we want. why everything wants to CTRL?
don blame me siak. i seriously donwan to go back from now on.
to think ytd, i still got the thots of goin back to visit them. fxxk it lar.
visit their FOOT. hb wan to go back dan go back himself lar.
wad want c me. c me for wad fxxk. got xrays eyes can c my bb inside issit. KNN.

Chiam liao.

now so EARLY i still haven slp.

hur.. hubby already slping like a PIG for donno how many hours lor.

chiam. later donno what time must wake up.

Cause is his off day today..

oh ya. i meeting yiling later @ 888..

she is passing me my sunblock. LOLS.

yah. now i better go n set my alarm clock..

today donno want go where also.

he off i also sian, he nvr off i also sian.

really CHIAM.

hehe. lately have been super duper L.A.Z.Y to blog..

updates..

#1-the lil one

went chk up 2wks back.. the lil one was calculated to be 12wks 2 days.. 5 point smething cm.

lol. is so the SMALL..

#2-my BB bday

had celebration w him twice..

first time at my gmom hse.. my bil aka bro in law (sis hb) bought hubby bday cake.

wow. and u will nvr imagine. he got angpows from my aunty paulyn, gmom n mom lor.

hur.. so biased de. why me bday no angpow... lol. aniway good tt they dotes him lor.

aniway they dotes him bcoz they loves me mah. haha..

the 2nd celebration is at our hse..

his bunch of brudders were there to celebrate ..

liling was there too.. and she passed me some yummy chocs she got from overseas.

is damn yummy i tell u.. and i don bear to eat too many of it.

while he is always caught munching my prezzie frm lilin. hurmps..

well, thanks peeps for being there for us all these while..

#3-juz some tots..

juz when i tink i've stopped lovin him. the kind of feelin came back..

i felt so helpless when i see him so weak n machiam counting his remainin days..

and memories keep flashin back.. when we were young, he dotes us alot..

compared to my sis n bro i guessed im v much more emo dan them..

i keep askin why.. his 'frens' suddenly come visit him..

tdy received a call frm mama, and i couldnt help but cried abit aft endin e call.

i feel so sorry for my family. why are we the only one having to care for him?

he have 10 kids.. where is the other 9 kids? all dead. inhumane.. unfilial..

aft so many things happened thru out my growin up, theres no way for me to respect them.

for they do not deserve it.

#4-some tots again.. hahaz

hubby broke e news of my pregnancy to his family liao..

yes, i call this my greatest fear. for i donno whats goin to happen..

mil surprisingly seemed to be overmoon.. n she told hubby she hope im havin a girl.

coz she can dress her up . lol

n she said tt she will be doin confinement for me.. hais. sibei sian lor.

for the cookin part she will ask my hubby's gmom or gu gu to cook

and she will tk care of bb and clean my hse, wash our clothes for us.

i noe is good she is offerin her help to us. but it realli worries me as well.

we two hardly have common topic to converse in. i cant imagine if the days realli come.

esp when i read so many negative feedbacks on gettin help from mil..

i guess i can oni pray la. pray for e best.

and hope if she's realli in charge of my confinement, i wont have ani prob w her.

i wont be the one in e end tkin care of my lil one.. n i hope i can trust her tkin

care my lil one .. i mean i oso muz c her standards of tkin baby..

omg am i v bad??

well wadever la. tis my blog. i blog my tots ...

many tots at a time

i guess i have too many thoughts to post today..juz bear w me..

i have been having 2 wks of short breaks from sch and ltr im gg bk to sch..
hope i wil buck up and not gif up easily.. esp nw when im preg..

Baby bonus
oh personally i tink the new version of bb incentives this year is catered more for full time working moms / moms to be..
childcare leave increased from 2 to 6 days a year.
3 mths maternity leave increased to 4 mths.
so does it mean better for employees n employers?
well is hard to say.. for pro family companies, is good..
but for those not so pro family companies, im afraid pregnant employees might have a hard time wrking in the co. when they announced being preg..
1 week of unpaid infant care leave..
more incentives will be updated later on by mr wks..
hope stay at hme moms will also benefits from it.

My pregnancy
hmm, i tink i nw shd be at my week 11..
next week wil be gg for a check up .. blood test.. oscar test as well but is optional.
havent discuss w hb if we are gg to have the oscar test for down syndrome..
there are pros n cons abt doing the test..
wad if the bb is detected w DS? to keep or not to keep it?
im still young and doesnt have family history abt DS so shd i do it?
well c how la.. shall wait for the discussion w hb dan hopefully can come up w a final decision.

currently im still having morning sickness and gets tired out easily again..
hope tt as times goes by i will slowly recover from all these symptons.
not sure am i putting on weight.. hahas. cross fingers. will noe it next wk when i go e clinic coz i will be tking my weight again.

Friends
kinda of sick of tis at times. when those u are concern abt dont reciporate.
Eg A.
have been trying to arrg a meet up w this fren but nvr realii get to meet her up.
mayb im sensitive but i juz feel that she just isnt keen on meeting us.
jus a point to note. im not sensitive bcoz im preg. but coz this have been ard b4 im preg. juz tt nw getting more sian of this fren. donno wad she wants. i feel tt she is running away from us. but for wad reason oni she will noes better dan us. we realli tried our best. i guess is time we juz leave her alone. maybe she is better w/o us. i guess she prefers her new life, her new frens and her new circle.
Eg B.
this fren of mine have been in some kind of problem as well. i noe i havent been standing along w her most of the time. but whenever i tink of her i will try get updates from her. but nw she is MIA again.. donno for hw many times. all i want to noe is how she is doing. she may tink im oni getting some benefits. but im not lar. so many years of frenship. i guess she still don understands me. or perhaps she nvr tries to understand me. even a simple sms reply she oso don bother to reply. sometimes i really wonder wad's in her brain.. sigh. im also a human myself. there is also a limit to my tolerance level. moreover it has been so many years. im guess im juz tired. perhaps is also time to gif up my hopes.

for the past few weeks, i met up w alex n the rest. we went prawning. is realli happy to c them. it has been so long since i went out with them tgt. haha. hope our frenship will be strong.

met up w esther tpk. haha. tho we met up oni for short while but i realli enjoys her company. we always have so much things to tok abt. and we yummlicious subway sandwich. don worry i didnt eat the cold meat. it was heated up. i noe is salty and i shdnt eat too much.

i also went to yiling 21st bd chalet. realli enjoyed the food she have there. hahas.
had a lotsa of fun playin with nicole/enen and hanging ard with cat, her hb ah bui, hui xian and joey.. but oni thing sian is i left quite earli.. paiseh hb wan hurry hme watch tv +_+..

lastly aft chalet. i met up w my bestie cmt for a long chat at my hse nearby prata shop.. haha.. i love her to bits. i miss her so much. sigh wonder when will we meet again.. im so sorry ar cmt.. last sat n sun i couldnt meet u for lunch. hahas. but next time juz come my hse la. lols.

last fri - sun
i was stayin at my mom place.. i simply love tamp my mom hse. kopitiams juz so near to me.. not like wdls. sigh. realli v happi to c my sis kids .. all so cute. hahas.
as for my mom. haha she is crazying in love with MJ.. left with me, her n dad she oso wan play MJ and cheat my money. LOL buay tahan her la. 3 pple mj is juz abit not as fun as 4 pple mj. lol
my dad v ke ai i tell u.. last sat he received 3 letters to redeem his presents which he used his miles points to redeem.. he so excited over it tt he chiong ride bicycle to century square best denki and bring home one rice cooker, one cordless phone and one electric 16' fan lor. +_+ why i have such a cute dad. haha..

alrite muz slp earli liao. ltr muz wk up earli n do my assignments...hehe
nitessssss

butter suger chocolate

now my feelings + mood is totally opp frm butter sugar chocolate.
is super dirty bitter chocolate. sigh.
how many times must i go thru this farking thingy.
i hate the xmas gift. is given to me, n taken away from me at e same time.
wadever la. wad will come wil comes. juz let it happen to me.
lua buay song i oso have to tk it, face it.
im juz so sicked of it.
i simply hate people for being idealist wannabes. they sarks..
aniway, is farkin sunday. i reali dreads gg to wrk........
im gg bk tamp for dinner. my abruptly ending.